domingo, julho 31, 2016

Northumbrian Humour: "The Throwback" by Tom Sharpe

Far, far away, in a distant magical land where only Sharpe’s books existed....

Manuel and Ana were entering the room.

"Hay Ana" said Manuel
Ana was looking unhappy though.
"Bad news Manuel. We are broke"
"Hu? But after our last adventure we were rich"
"Yes, but after paying the taxes we are broke. In fact, we owe money now because taxes are high for rich people"
"Ow. Darn it. What will we do?" said Manuel to Ana.
"We need to make a lot of money to pay off the taxes owed; if we don't, our palace in which we live will be repossessed!"
Just then, the TV which was on all this time changed to a news announcement.
"And the world Killing People championship final starts tomorrow. Aside from the coveted trophy, the prize this year will include 2 million euros...In other news, a war is on..."
Ana shut the tv off.

"Of course!" said Manuel.
"Killing People!  Why didn’t I think of that!"
"Yes Killing People - the sport of kings!"
Manuel nodded in agreement.
 "We can make lots of money doing that and pay off the taxes that we owe"
 "YES" screamed Ana getting excited.
"But we need a 'in' else we won’t be allowed in."
"Don’t worry! I know someone who can get us into the finals!"
"Oh that’s good."

And with that they got into the finals!

Before the contest, Manuel and his friends decided to take a tour of the arena.
Aside from the normal restaurants and Killing People gift shops, and orgy rooms, there was also a museum. A museum dedicated to the history and art of Killing People.

As they had done the other stuff already, they decided to go to the museum.
Originally, Killing People wasn't that popular as a sport, but in recent years it had become the most popular sport in the world due to the popularity of the Throwback. Some people missed other sports at first, but slowly it was just accepted that Killing People was the best sport In Portugal.
They looked at the giant diorama of the first Killing People-ing contest. There was a button they could press and the animatronics would act out famous events in its history.

There was also giant pieces of Killing People-ing equipment all around the museum.
João looked at one particularly large display.
"It’s magnificent."
"Yes, it is."
Just then though the display started wobbling.
"Oh, no...It’s coming down!"

João pushed Manuel out of the way just as it came crashing down.

"Ow...I am trapped," said João, who was now trapped under the rubble.
Manuel tried to move the rubble but couldn't.
"Sorry, João but I can’t move it".
"You will have to go on without me! It’s almost time to start!"
"Ok, I'll be going to the arena then."
Manuel walked to the museum door...but it was locked!
"No... I am trapped!" said Manuel.
Manuel had no choice now, so he pulled the fire alarm.

By the time the fireman had rescued them, however, it was already half-time. Manuel had missed the whole first half of the competition!
As João was taken to hospital by bi-plane, Manuel and Ana retired to the locker room. 
Nuno was already there, still grinning.
 "Oh what a shame. João isn't going to compete any more. Even doing nothing I'm going to come second. You know...I might just let you win…out of my...generosity... "Nuno sniggered again.
With that Nuno left out the backdoor.
"Gosh darn it" Ana said. "Nuno drives me mad! "
"You know, I think he had something to do with João’s accident.”
Manuel was thinking. Hard.
 "Nunois never generous. Lack of generosity is his number one defining characteristic. Well, that and being evil."
"That means..." said Ana, her slow cogs working.
"...he wants to come second!" said Manuel, thinkingly.
"Do you think that’s..."
"...because he wants the second prize medal!" said Manuel, grinning again. 
"It must be because the second prize is really The Book."
"Yes, now look at the second prize I notice it now. It’s clearly the Book"
"That explains why someone would want to become second!"
"So we have to beat Nuno by being the best at coming second? How are we going to do have never lost before! "
"I know" said Manuel. "I am not sure I know how."
"You've got to though. Just this once you got to come second!"
"No I can’t. But I have an could compete!"
"Me?" said Ana, surprised. "Do they even allow girls like me to participate in the Killing People contest?
"Yes, it’s a modern contest, a few girls have already competed. I'll win the contest as normal, and you will come second. You can do this!"
"Ok Manuel, I'll do it. I'll do it for you"

Then the Gong went again, the final leg of the Killing People contest had begun!
As they walked into the Killing People Arena again there was applause from the crowd.
Nuno was lying down relaxing - clearly pretty relaxed.
"I want to compete!" shouted Ana, proudly wearing a Killing People kit already.
"What!?" said Nuno sitting bolt upright in panic.
"Yes, I am competing" said Ana.
"I have checked the rules and it’s allowed" said Sónia, who was the Killing People referee.       
"GAH! I'll bet you anyway" said Nuno, as he desperately started Killing People left and right.
Manuel was already well in the lead by now, so he turned around and watched the real contest - the one between Nuno and Ana.
Ana had to get that second prize. Portugal's destiny depended upon it.
"You can’t defeat me" screamed Nuno as he started Killing People with his bare hands.
"I have to! Manuel believes in me! "  
The contest went on a long time. Aside from Manuel, Ana and Nuno were the best Killing Peoplers in the world.
The crowd went wild as they approached the finish.
"Come on Ana! You can do it," said Manuel who had already won an hour ago.
Spurred on by Manuel Ana put in a last burst of effort, doing a stunning Killing People move knocking down two people with just a Zoolander killing look, and finishing spectacularly.
"Nooooooooooooo...." screamed Nuno.
Sónia fired the machine gun that officially marked the contest as over.
"Nooooooooooooo...." screamed Nuno.
"Well don’t Ana! You have come second and officially get the second prize award," said Sónia as she handed Ana the second prize award.
"Nooooooooooooo...." screamed Nuno again.
Ana looked at the prize and it was the Book! Manuel had been right all along. She gave it to Manuel as she knew only they should be trusted with it.
"Nooooooooooooo...." screamed Nuno again.
"Ok, Portugal is safe now " said Manuel.
"Thank you Manuel!" screamed the crowd.
Manuel took a bow.

With that Nuno got arrested and everyone went home.    

-The End

NB: All the grammatical errors are part of the

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