sábado, agosto 13, 2016

Minor Spy Fiction: "A Divided Spy" by Charles Cumming


A Manuel Antão short-story based on "A Divided Spy"

Now listen carefully 007. This might look like a perfectly ordinary steam iron, but if you turn the setting to cotton and then press the stream button…

A/N: The following story is a sequel to "Forbidden Passions of João."


You might be able to understand this story without reading what went first, but you won’t get all the references and “multi-layered subtext” I put in. If you don’t read the earlier stuff, take that into account when reviewing, that what seems to be mistakes might be me being something terrible deep…


Bella woke up naked and very horny one winter Sunday....
It was a dark and snowy night. Bella had been bored, so bored, you wouldn’t believe it.
She had been there together in the room with João and Ana. Normally they could perfectly entertain each other (as they very much did the night before), but not this time. And to make matters worse, it was almost impossible to go to town. It was too snowy, too dark.
“Urgh,” said João, “I wish the evil vamp would attack. At least we’d have something to do.”
Ana agreed, “I agree,” she said and started throwing the carpet at the wall, just to catch it again when it bounced off. “Uuuurgh,” she then said as well, because she agreed with João, “Don’t you have anything better to do, Bella Swan?”
"Well, I could do you again." Bella said who felt very lesbian at that moment.
Ana liked that very much and for a moment, they did each other (under the approving gaze of João who whipped out his Baloney pony and played along on the beat of the others.
But admittedly, that only entertained them for the next three hours. Something else had to be found, Bella knew.
Isabella Swan’s gaze went down the room, past curtains and a stack of Barbie dolls. Then her eye fell onto a lone empty bottle they had used to play with the evening before.
I know,” said Bella, “How about we play...............spin...the....BOTTLE!”
“What a superb idea.”
“Oh yeah!”
Sónia and Luis also peaked up, “Yeaaaah!”

So they all sat down and the raven-haired brunette took the bottle first. Hilariously, it landed on Luis, but the raven-haired brunette thought Luis was quite a bit too creepy and she really didn't want to kiss the man. She hoped the others might have mistaken it for landing on Ana, but judging the howls of laughter and the rising anticipation in the room, they probably didn't.
"But, but don’t you all see it really landed on Ana?"
"Laaawl no, u should kiss Luis," said Ana. The fact that she said it, made Bella Swan feel rejected :( 
But then, all the sudden.... The evil vamp attacked!
MG! We are almost there", Swan said after traveling for ages.
"GOOD GRIEF, I didn’t think we had journeyed this far!"
They sat down for a rest break and to plot their trajectory into the evil one’s HQ base.
"We must find the Condoms.
"I forgot all about that", said Bella Swan, who was generally considered a moron, so we all laugh at them for forgetting. HAHA! Funny hu?
"HAHA, you remember now"
"Yes"
"Good"
"Yes" 
"Good"
What happened next was so cool you will like it a lot, basically, it went like this:
(Authors note: the following is written from Ebony’s perspective. I did this so I could “get into” the character’s head more)
In gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.
I was playing dodgeball and the slutty cheerleaders kept throwing balls at me really hard like bitches, but I was dodging them at the speed of light.  
Laurial came over to me and tried to hit me over the face with her massive hard balls but I slapped her in the face.
"WTF you freaky furry barbarian bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag.
"Leave me alone yeah?"
"No. I’ll never leave u alone because you are so weird! What has happened to your face it’s like you’re from another planet, you’re so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you and we are secretly all jealous."

I was so mad I pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and then she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasn’t dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.
After gym class I sat in the changing rooms naked after everyone has left and cried because I felt so sorry for what I had done to uncle Larry and to Laurial.
I was sat there next to my short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.  Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me.
"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said Edward Cullen.
I turned to look at him and he gasped in a high pitched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totally upset about stuff so I didn't check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.
"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so exquisitely sexy and bangable that I lost consciousness. Thy face is even more filled with shinning glory than before; I am amazed," but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood. He said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward.
"I killed someone Edward! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made Laurial get struck by lightning".     
"It’s ok Tiaa. These things happen. He was evil and no one cares about Laurial." Edward says as he put his arms round me.
"Still what I did was awful and anyways GET OFF ME!" I stood up and shook him off me. "Don’t come near me ever again! I haven't forgiven you for what happened last night! We did the sex thing and you left me there in the forest!"
"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and wept.
(Authors note: ok, just to be clear, this all happened a few hours ago, and doesn't relate to this story, but I thought you should know.
Only it was even cooler because I didn’t have to write it! When it was in my head the words didn’t get in the way. Excuse me if I skip the words occasionally, it’s to save me time.
Ok, after they finished the tricorder they went to the base where the final battle started when they got there. Don’t worry! The bad guy dies!)
“We are almost there I…I can sense it." He walked around, stopping where it hurt the most, turned, and moved forward. "You are in great pain; must you do this to yourself?" said sidekick. “Yes, I must. I must endure it. I must head towards the pain, it’s the only way of finding him."
So they proceeded. This went on for some time.
They walked about for a bit, stopping outside a tall skyscraper.
"Victoria....he is here", said the humble girl Jr.
As they entered there was lots of Space Ninjas.
So they swung back their trench coats and murdered them all with their concealed pulse pistols of awesomeness.
They stepped over the dead bodies and made their way forward.
"Let’s take the ventilation shaft!"
"That’s a good plan, so we can sneak to the roof undetected."
So they got into the ventilation shaft.
Ana needed to remove some cloths in order to fit. So did Sónia, who stripped to her flower patterned bra. João joined in by removing his pants (even though he didn’t need to because he was skinny and would fit in fine anyway without the need to remove his pants).
The misunderstood beauty just took all the clothes off, it was easier. Her womanly curves bounced as she squeezed herself into the passage, pressing her bosom up against the ventilation shafts wall.
They traveled up to the roof thus avoiding the security systems because they were smart.
“We are here,” said Bella Swan crawling out of shaft, and putting her shirt on.
"So you have come," said a voice booming from the sky.
A shuttlecraft appeared above them.
The evil vamp laughed at them from it.
"Ha Ha Ha Ha."
"I could gun you all down from here with my lightsaber, but I would rather do this...personal style."
She leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop.
"Ready?" she said, still laughing.
Bella removed her shirt and flexed her abs.
"Yes. I am ready. I was born ready."
With that they leaped at each other, metaphorical guns blazing (they were really clubs…).
"I kill you dead."
The evil vamp head butted Isabella in the chest.
Bella fell backwards in pain, punching a few times before crashing to the ground.
"Ha Ha Ha Ha," laughed the redhead.
"You could never have defeated me; so why did you even try?"
"I had too, for all that is good and just in the world."
"Well now you will die. Goodbye."
Victoria leaned over the raven-haired brunette holding his penis.
"Quick Bella Swan use this!" said Ebony, chucking a nearby Crucifix towards Isabella.
Bella grabbed it and chucked it towards Victoria hard, knocking her backwards...
"Goodbye, the evil vamp has had a nice fall!"
"ARrrrrgggg"
"We are safe now, she fell to certain doom."
João and Luis got out from the corner where they were cuddling. "Thank you, you saved us all."
"Don’t mention it."
But then! Victoria appeared! She had landed in her rocket that was hovering nearby.
"I will get you next time! I will kill you all because I’m a super-spy!!!"

(Not To be continued)

NB: All the "errors" in grammar are part of the story... just so you know...

2 comentários:

Book Stooge disse...

So, are you practicing for your Online Fan Fiction club or what?

Manuel Antão disse...

no such luck I'm afraid. It's just me putting on my writing hat...lol