sábado, outubro 01, 2016

You're So Beautiful You Made Me Forget My Pick Up Line: "Ronald Rabbit Is a Dirty Old Man" by Lawrence Block


Published 2000.


“’Hookers?’
‘Well, they get twenty, so you couldn’t call them virgins. But nice girls. One of them used to be a stewardess.’
‘What did the other one used to be?’
‘A virgin, I guess. I used to a be a virgin, come to think of it. You game, Larry?’
I said I couldn’t afford it.
[..]
‘I’ll tell you, I get very awkward going there alone. Because there’s the two of them.’
‘So?’
‘So I hate to choose between them. It’s like rejecting one of them and telling the other ‘You’re a nice kid but I’d rather fuck your roommate.’ So she’s rejected, and she sits in the other room watching the fucking television set, and the whole things puts me off stride.’
‘You’re putting me on,’
‘I just don’t like to reject people.’”

In “Ronald Rabbit is a Dirty Old Man” by Lawrence Block

Since having finished reading the book, I’ve been thinking on the best way to write about it without being crass.

The following is the best I could come up with.


My name is Bauer.

From the moment I was born, I remembered I was trained as an assassin.
It was tough, but my master was a stern but just master.
Still, sometimes I would lay awake in bed and hope that one day, I would find my parents and that we could be a family together again. My master told me that if I survive my first mission, he would help me find my parents.
And so I did my first mission (it was easy, it only required me to kill a family of two with a car bomb). And so my master tried to find my parents. But they were already dead.
I realized I was all alone in the world.
As I was all alone now, I thought back to happier times...
Suddenly, meanwhile, Kim got kidnapped!
Jack had to rescue her so they could live happily ever after again!
He had to get her back quickly because he was on the run again from CTU...OMG!
Suddenly Tony appeared from a sewer (like the Turtles!!! You know, I might do a crossover one day!')
'"Jack! I must give you this"'
Jack was handed a Star of David.
 '"This is VERY important! I have to go! All will be explained later"'

 (Maybe in parts 5 or 9, if I have time,24 kind of sucks really, I’m going to do my story over 72 hours and 13 parts. But to make it easier ill skip the boring things by not making it real time! Neat idea or what?)

...but it didn't change the fact I was now alone. All alone.
All alone except me and my master.
My master's organisation was employed by an illustrious person: the terrorists. And one day I came back from school.
I came into the assassin's castle
"Master," I said, "I'm sooo tired of having to go to school. Everyone's a poser there."
"Hush, little child," he said, "I have a new mission for you!"
"Oooh great!" I said with joy, "I'll get right on it!"
"It is very simple," the master said as he showed me the map of the condo I had to infiltrate.
"First, you need to say a passphrase to a guard there. When he says Numbers, you say Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch."
"Alright I can do that," I said as I wrote it down.
"And then you need to sneak through the hallways, into the kitchen where a maid has prepared a poisonous Milk.
"Right, easy," I said.
"And then you need to give it to the President, and then it will kill him."
"The President?! I said surprised.
"Yes, we are hired to kill the President."
"But President Chloe is a great president!"
"Hush little boy. You have been trained as an assassin to kill people. This must be done."
"Ok Master," I said in great turmoil. Because the Master didn’t know that... in fact.... I was in love with Chloe.
And so I prepared my mission. I felt really bad. Chloe and I had only met each other once. It was at prom-night. I was dressed magnificently. And Chloe... gosh, now that I think of Chloe O'Brian my heart starts beating more rapidly.
But anyway, so I met Chloe there.
"Hello," I said.
"You look nice," Chloe O'Brian said.
"Thank you, you look great too," I said.
"Oh, I don't mean your clothes," Chloe O'Brian said, "I mean your soul. I can look into your soul. That's my power. And I see you are unlike anyone else here."
"Everyone else here are pricks and posers," I said.
"Yes, but you're even more special. Maybe... maybe..." Chloe said.
"Maybe what?" I said. I remember my heart beating very rapidly then.
"Maybe you fulfill the prophecy!"
"The prophecy?!" I said with anxiety.
"Yes, the prophecy. It states that I should marry the person who fulfills the prophecy."
"O my God," I said.
"I’m alright!" Chloe said.
"But how do you know who fulfills the prophecy?"
"When they have the power of kicking arse."
Oh gosh, I remember myself thinking back then. Master told me never to tell anyone, but I did in fact have kicking arse skills!
"I don't know anything about that," I said.
"Oh well," said Chloe, "too bad. Because you, Jack, you look like exactly the sort of person I'd love to marry."
And then the President left.
What will I do now? I thought while I was doing the things my master told me to.
Shall I fulfill my master's obligation, or shall I show Chloe O'Brian that I am the one destined to marry her?
So I sneaked in and did what the Master told me to do. It was easy.
But when I came to the President’s room with the gun, I hesitated. I could not put the poisonous pan galactic gargle blaster down. Chloe O'Brian was just too dear to me! I loved Chloe O'Brian.
But that moment of doubt became my downfall. As the President turned around and looked me right in the eyes.
“Jack?” Chloe said.
My breath stopped, my heart was about to explode and my eyes welled up.
"It's not what you think!" I said.
But of course it was what Chloe thought. I was an assassin. I had to accept it.
"Oh my god, Jack, not you!" Chloe O'Brian cried out. Tears welled up in her eyes and soon they came flooding down her cheeks.
"Nooooo," the President said, "I LOVED YOU!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO," I cried out while I threw the poisonous ethanol on the floor.
"LET'S BE TOGETHER FOR EVER."
"OK!"
"It is the terrorists who are behind this assassination!
And so the President told the army to arrest the terrorists.
"I love you so much," said President Chloe.
"I love you too." I said.
BAM! BAM!
I looked down on my chest and saw blood welling up from my chest.
"NOOOOOO," said the president!
One of the guards had shot me!
Urgh," I said, "HhuuuuuI love you!"
"I love you toooo!" said Chloe and rushed over to me. "I don't want to live without you!!!"
"Don't worry, I'll get better..." I said as I felt life leaving me.
"Nooohoooohoooo," said Chloe.
"At least I'll die," I said with my last breath, "knowing that someone loved me."
"HuhhHUHUHHUH," cried Chloe.

And that day became known in the country as the Day of Love, remembering the death of President Chloe O'Brian's one true love. Me.


2 comentários:

Book Stooge disse...

Ok, not quite what I was expecting :-D

Manuel Antão disse...

After I finished writing it, I said to myself: "Gosh! I can't publish this...". What you just read is the sanitized version...lol